Four Years of Magical Thinking

First, a nod to writer Joan Didion, for inspiring the title of this post. If my altered use of her book title is plagiarism, I am guilty.

Second, a gorgeous, thick snow fell overnight Monday and as my husband and I worked to shovel it in the pre-dawn light Tuesday, I wondered: has Donald Trump ever known the pleasure of shoveling snow? The muffled sound of shovel on concrete; the heft of snow on shovel; the invigorating feel in the legs as white stuff is shifted from pathways to piles? Does he know the satisfaction of clearing and cleaning and stomping and drying, and afterwards warming up ‘round a fire and- maybe- popping a couple of ibuprofen? Or… is he like the folks in a neighborhood where I once lived who- on one of the snowiest mornings of the winter- were (I perceived) so entitled/ pampered/ lazy that while most of us on the block shoveled out, they had coffee brought to their door by a delivery man on a bike. I watched the delivery man struggle up the street, then climb the un-shoveled steps of the brownstone to ring the doorbell. I saw a guy in a bathrobe answer and receive the tray of cups the delivery man had expertly balanced on its journey to the door, and all I can say is the robed guy better have tipped the delivery guy generously. But if he was like DJT he might not have tipped at all, and he certainly wasn’t having the pleasure of shoveling snow. The memory troubles me still.

The snow felt fitting for the last full day of Trump in office as President of the United States. A renewal, a cleansing, a pacifying landscape… while America herself exists in anything but. I acknowledge there are millions of Americans who wouldn’t agree with my comparison, and who are perhaps as angry and despondent as I was four years ago, when I ignored the inauguration completely then drove through the night- my car filled with neighbors and friends- so we could be at the Women’s March in DC the next day. I was in full resistance mode and will never be ashamed to have shouted “Not my president!” with millions of others- not just women- who gathered in DC and worldwide in opposition to the political positions of Trump and his steam-gaining administration. I did not wear a knitted pink hat to the march, however, and to this day I don’t own one. Nothing against them, really; I think they’re whimsical and fun. But I’ve never gotten over the words Trump told a reporter on a bus- a reporter who lost his job when it was revealed he went along with the “joke”- that gave rise to a pink sea after the election.

Also, I’ve never, ever been able to understand why millions of Americans would not be offended, would look the other way, not hear his words, excuse his behavior- or worse agree with it all- and make a mark on a ballot next to his name. Twice.

In the four years of Trump’s presidency, I questioned myself many, many times: is there something I’m missing? Some part of his charade, his version of the emperor’s new clothes I failed to see? Why are so many Americans ok with his misogyny, his ignorance, his meanness, his racism, his ineptness, his entitlement, his farce? Americans who shovel their own snow, or work hard labor, or earn the minimum wage? Or, like me, have an interracial marriage and biracial child? Though fair to guess not too many people “like me” support Trump. But many seemingly “good” people do. What’s their reason? What’s their excuse?

Questioning myself during Trump’s presidency caused bouts of magical thinking, of imagining scenarios that could never be real, of examining subjects closely for clues, of doubting myself and my own sanity. As his campaign promises became policy, there were countless times when- despite being outraged- I wondered: could I be wrong? Could alternate facts actually exist? Am I missing- like the forest for the trees- the sound reason behind his actions? Will I realize later that I was all wrong? I would ask my husband- who mostly gave the Trump administration the silent treatment for four years (not to say he didn’t think about and wasn’t frustrated by what went on; he just wisely preserved his energy when it came to the useless, tortuous replay I was on)- did he question his sanity? In his reluctance to talk about Trump he wouldn’t answer, thus I questioned my sanity more.

My magical thinking culminated the week of the Insurrection when, under the severe stress and anxiety many of us were feeling, I started imagining life scenes unmoored from reality. Most of them involved operating in a world in which Covid doesn’t exist, and carrying on with activities and events neither real nor possible. The scariest part was not realizing for a day or two what was happening and experiencing a huge mental jolt when I “came to.” It was as though I’d been dreaming while fully awake and it took several days to sort the wheat from the chaff in my brain. I’m still working a bit to regain complete confidence in my thoughts- not just from that week- but from the last five years.

I would honestly welcome any Trump supporter to comment on this post, to help me understand the rational thought behind your support of him. And by rational I mean no talk of conspiracy, no mention of a stolen election. I don’t need to know what you think about his end, I want to know your thoughts on his beginning. Please leave out reasoning that includes, “I really don’t like who he is, but…” or “I know he shook things up a bit, but…” etc. I don’t want to know what is seen as objectionable about Trump, I’ve got a library of my own on that. I want to know why- despite all the reasons he should have been objected to and rejected completely as a leader- you decided to help put him in power. Help pull back the curtain on his character, and yours.

But in the meantime, and because I honestly don’t believe anyone will read this let alone any Trump supporters comment to aid my enlightenment, I’ll put forth a few theories- not original to me but clear reasoning I can validate- as to why, for four years, the United States got the President it deserved.

For some, I believe a reason for supporting Trump was sadly, frighteningly: they identify with him. I’ve seen this in people who are angered bullies, and/ or have erroneous views of justice. They believe and act as though their existence and freedom is gravely threatened rather than supported by Democracy, by choice and elections, by checks and balances. They believed DJT could save or steamroll, whichever tactic their revolutionary thinking required. I understand their convictions, though I believe they are incorrect. Trump simply held up a mirror to shout into, and they shouted right back.

For others, I believe the weak point of entry was reality television: watching Trump on TV and feeling he was someone who could get a job done, or get rid of anyone he felt might not be. Government has had struggles forever; progress and effective change seem distant for many Americans. Maybe a true outsider, a disruptor, could stride in- like Jesus turning over tables in a temple- and knock some sense into elected leadership ? Only problem with that, as we horrifyingly saw on January 6, Trump became commander of a mad (both definitions, here: angry and insane) army that would not be controlled and there was a greatly underwhelming response to their attack. The Insurrection proved to knock sense only into the smallest number of congress men and women who had believed and perpetuated Trump’s lies.

Which brings me to a final point of entry for Trumppuppets, and to me the most disastrous; the exact prey I fell to (only with different results): magical thinking. For more than four years, Americans were lied to by a person who will go down as a GDOAT: a greatest deceiver of all time. Magical thinking made them believe Trump is ok, even normal, and that he would be good for our nation. Which is so batshit crazy it has to be magical thinking. Polls since the Inaguration have shown that a majority of Republicans still believe the election was stolen, the Big Lie perpetuated by more magical thinking from elected politicians, often broadcast on Fox News. BTW, I watch Fox because I want to know what’s being said on all sides and I’m perplexed every time they accuse the “mainstream media” of offenses. If Fox- broadcast across the nation and world isn’t mainstream- what is?

The morning Trump left the White House for the final time I happened to turn on TV (msnbc, full disclosure) just as Marine One helicopter was arriving. I could not take my eyes off the shiny black doors at the South Lawn entrance, and when Donnie and Melania walked out and headed toward their ride, I started bidding farewell with my best flight attendant waive and voice “Buhbye, buhbye, buhbye…” And then, I noticed a fissure in the lawn. It gaped open and the Trumps disappeared into the earth, wide-eyed. The ground closed behind them and all that was left was a smoldering line, a black button off a coat, and tuft of bleached hair.